What I Want Men to Know About Intimacy (That Took Me Years to Learn)

Dear Brother,
Dear Friend,
Dear You—

If I could take your face in my hands right now, look you in the eye, and tell you one thing—it would be this:

You don’t have to earn intimacy. You are already worthy of it.

For years, I didn’t believe that.

I thought I had to perform, impress, seduce, fix myself, be more masculine, be less emotional, be more spiritual, be more sexually confident—be anyone but myself—just to be loved, touched, or truly seen.

And you know what that belief gave me?
Empty connections. Performative sex. Deep loneliness.
A smile on the outside, a storm on the inside.

It took me years—and honestly, I’m still learning—to realize that intimacy isn’t something we achieve.
It’s something we allow.
It’s not a reward for being good enough.
It’s a birthright.
Yours. Mine. Ours.

Here’s another truth I want you to know:
Being intimate doesn’t make you weak.
It means you’re brave enough to be human.

It means saying, “I need to be held,” or “I don’t know how to do this,” or “I’m scared.”
It means letting someone feel your heartbeat—your real heartbeat—not the performance of who you think you’re supposed to be.

You don't have to figure it all out before you let someone in.
You don’t need a six-pack, a tantric diploma, or perfect emotional regulation.
You just need to be willing.

Willing to slow down.
Willing to tell the truth.
Willing to let love in through the cracks.

And if you're afraid? That’s okay.
So was I.

That’s why I’m here. That’s why I do this work.
Not because I’ve mastered intimacy—but because I know how painful it is to live without it.

And I want better for you.

So if no one’s told you lately:
You’re not too much.
You’re not too broken.
You’re not behind.
You are lovable, right now, as you are.

And you are not alone.

With love and solidarity,
Trevor

P.S. If this spoke to something in you and you want to talk, explore, or just be seen—I’ve got a few open spots for a free call this week. You can book one here: https://tidycal.com/trevorjames/30-minute-meeting